We all do it. Sometimes we only hear, not listen. We are thinking about the point we want to make, the sarcastic retort or recognizing our feelings just got hurt – we stop even hearing, let alone listening.
Why should we be surprised if this happens within a family, between spouses or between generations discussing something as important as a move to senior living? Especially when you add any cognitive declines that may be happening to a loved one.
One way to break the cycle of hearing and not listening may be old-fashioned and will cost you a 78¢ stamp. Try sitting down and writing a letter or a note.
A blank card can be intimidating if it has been a while since you handwrote something versus rattling off a quick text or email. Let’s help you get started - sometimes it can be hard for a loved one to accept help.
When I offer to pay for dinner, pick up groceries, or drive a long distance (insert your recent moment of friction), please see these offers as an act of love by me and not a sign of weakness in you.
When you read something, you have time to reflect, to process. You may consider the extra effort your loved one put into this message, including writing, stamping and finding a mailbox. The envelope is opened in peace, maybe even with a little excitement – letters are rare these days – and it can be read in a state of calm, consideration and the compassion it was intended.
For one daughter, using this idea and language resulted in a phone call from her dad. He said, “I don’t even know why I was grumpy. Next time, you are welcome to drive me.” She told him to stop being an old fart, and then they started to talk about their upcoming week. The lines of communication were open again.
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